Our Journey Continues.

So yet again I have been slacking. Here is an update....
I am back in Texas! I was in California for two months. It started out just going for a couple weeks to catch up at work and knock out some projects, but it quickly became much more. I had some health issues and my friend had her 4th baby girl and work very quickly became very hectic with project after project  just like old times. While being home the Dr. ruled I am healthy and that the beginning stages of IVF that I began in December are still haunting me & my hormones. I got to hold Addison Jane when she was merely hours old, which was a very bittersweet moment for me. An if you know me well, you know I have a love hate relationship with my job. I love so much of it but I hate that I get so consumed by it.

During this time in California I really was reminded more about my baby journey and the lack of progress in the last year of doctor visits and shots and blood work and the whole nine yards. I was having a very poor me day going to my Brianne's family's welcome to the world lunch for her new angel and that day something amazing happened. At lunch Brianne's lunch her aunt told me her assistant was looking to give her baby up for adoption. This was the most fantastic thing to ever happen to me. I haven't felt joy like that day in SO very long. I called Zack and we were officially over the moon. We continuously called the baby "she" and "her" and just news this was our baby. Over the course of the next few weeks I spoke to the birth mother and really felt like this was God's plan and it was put in my path for this to be our angel baby. I got to meet the birth mother on a Saturday morning and I really loved spending time with her! She is beautiful and wise and it was so many little God things it was amazing. She loves the Italian culture and that absolutely blew me away because our little girl name we have been set on for quite some time is Italian meaning God is gracious. Couldn't have been more amazing. Oh wait, I forgot to mention it's a girl. I saw her ultrasound picture and had to give it back and hold back the tears as I knew that was OUR baby girl I was seeing for the first time.

Following that meeting I felt like this was the perfect plan being laid out for us and we would have a little angel arriving in December. The week following I heard nothing from the birth mother, I kept telling myself this is part of the process and she just needed time to absorb it all and make her final decision as she was talking with two other families that already had children. I left on a business trip to Ogden and it was madness the entire time we were there working like crazy but I knew Saturday morning we had a little time and we could go to the farmers market in the downtown area. It was definitely the highlight to me to go walk around and buy some goodies etc. However, Saturday morning I woke up to a message from the birth mother telling me she had chose another family. This absolutely crushed me. I know that was never her intent however when you have your heart SO set on something it's hard to accept news like that. I know she had been praying continuously as had we (and all those around us) for this baby and her life to be full of grace and based on God's love and a loving family and a strong home. And clearly this has to be God's plan but it didn't make it any easier and didn't take away any pain. I had to put on a brave face and try to as they say in finding nemo "just keep swimming" but my heart was broken.

It has 24 days since I got that message and my heart still hurts. I continue down this journey and the longer we travel this road the more heart and soul we put in to it. I know God has a plan, and I know in the right time it will be revealed to me. It is just so hard to keep the faith and keep on going sometimes. I am so so grateful to Brianne's aunt for telling me about this mother and so so grateful to "C" the birth mother for considering us. This opportunity has been a mixture of so much hope, so much faith, so much prayer but coupled with disappointment. It is hard to balance it all.

"C" if you ever read this please know I am grateful for your consideration and prayers. You are a beautiful woman inside and out and I know God is going to do AMAZING things in your life. I pray that your baby girl is raised with God's love as her foundation and a family that loves her more than life itself. I pray both yours and your angels dreams all come true! Know I am continuing praying for you both and your futures.

I know this sounds like such a random thought after all of that but people, I can't stress it enough to  count your blessings. In my mind it is really all kinda relevant because it is so real to me how many people take their children for granted and put that out there publicly for the world to see. I keep getting on facebook seeing people complaining about their kids not letting them sleep, or not potty training or back to school stress. Those are all very valid things, but have you ever stopped thinking about all of that to be grateful for the blessings you have be given? They will eventually grow up and sleep, they will get out of diapers in no time and it will be a baby book story of how they went about it and the back to school stresses are all going to be worth it when they make it to high school and college graduations. They are only young for awhile. Take the time when they aren't sleeping to hold them tighter and thank God they were gifted to you.

That is an update on me/us. We have found one really bright spot in all of this that we always manage to make it through it all together. We have faced so much more than most do in 10 years in the last 4 years together. Looking forward to Friday and a two week leave in California filled with family, friends and FUN to celebrate our second anniversary! As rough as sometimes it may be, we are working on enjoying it all...count it ALL joy and enjoy your journey.