I need...

I've neglected my blog for almost a year now. I created my blog to keep our giant family in the loop on our lives in Texas. Although, I think I saw friends more when I lived there because I planned more on trips home. My life now is all consumed with keeping our home intact and my job. We had quite the adventure in Texas though. We got to see and do some really fun things and make some really great friends. While we were there Texas grew our marriage a lot. We've been through more in 3 years of marriage than most endure in years with Zack's medical issues from deployment, infertility, family issues, friends dying/moving/deploying, finally getting pregnant then losing our baby, and the million twists and turns along the way. It's been a really tough road. Somedays I look back and wonder how we've both made it through without completely breaking down.

I'd say for me losing the baby was/is the worse. The time searching for a heartbeat that's not there was the longest few minutes of my life. Seeing and hearing friends complain about their pregnancy/kids is almost too much for me to handle. I'd give anything to have stretch marks everywhere, have mood swings, have swollen feet, a sleepless baby to rock or a kid with "terrible twos". But no, my baby died. I don't get to experience that. This is a constant pain in my heart. I can't explain the intensity. I just want people to understand me and understand where I'm coming from but it's hard to even express in words how I feel. So here's my attempt...

I need your patience and understanding on milestone days.

I need to allow myself heal and stop forcing work to be my escape. I'm stifling my feelings, I'm slowly getting worse and worse at holding it in.

I need to stay busy and a time to be still.

I need an extra hug and respect for my space.

I need someone to ask how I'm doing and actually want to hear the answer.

I need careful announcements of pregnancies, baby showers and births as mine I longed for so long for didn't turn out as I'd hoped.

As tough as I try to be, I need a fragile sticker for my heart as I'm still so very broken.

I need forgiveness for not being the wife, daughter, sister, niece or friend I used to be.

More than anything I need you, my friends &family. I need support, understanding and love as a lifetime is too long to wait to hold my angel. My life will never be the same.

At the end of the day just enjoy where your at. It might be trying for you, but those in your life might be longing for the thing your complaining about. Stop and count your blessings. I'm trying to everyday enjoy the blessings in my life and pray I'm given another shot at being a mom.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

one word ... NEW

New year, new state, new beginnings...
Just a few of the things we have going on.

2012 is the benchmark year we have been counting down to for years now. A little brief version of why is that Zack extended his Army contract in 2009 and 2012 is THAT year when he is out. Next month marks his 6th Army anniversary and he is finished with his service in April. We couldn't be happier that this chapter, while always in our hearts, will be coming to a close. Exactly 78 days until he is done forever. He has been through so much in his Army career and I am SO proud of him for his dedication and service.

2012 marking Zack getting out also means we are done in Texas. Even though I hated the humidity and the stupid army citations, I will miss Texas and the great friends there. I have a few wonderful friends who I will be friends with for life thanks to my time there. We have considered moving a few places but we are coming home. Bakersfield, although it's got many downfalls is home. We want to spend time together and since my job is here it is really the best option. I won't have to travel nearly as much, which for us is great! We are with our family and close enough to LA and plenty of beautiful beaches to be set. We found a house in December and we have been so excited for it but right now it's all up in the air. We don't exactly know where we will be but it is happening fast as we are moving our stuff here in 15 days. We are planning to video and take pictures of our journey. Should be interesting with a giant uhaul filled, my tahoe, us and our 2 dogs. Entertainment at it's finest.

2012 also marks when we both turn 25. He is excited to turn 25! I however am having mixed feelings. I'm not quite sure how to feel on that one...more to come I'm sure.

2012 marks our first big vacation by ourselves. We have taken a few nice family vacations but none by ourselves. AND when we chose to get married during his 2 week r&r from Iraq, we had limited time to ourselves as both of our families wanted to see him. We spent one additional day at the beach after our wedding so we've never really had a honeymoon. SO for Christmas we got most amazing, outrageous gift ever....a cruise. Not just any cruise but the Blake Shelton cruise to San Juan, St. Thomas, Tortola & Nassau. We get to see Blake, Trace Adkins, Jerrod Neimann, Justin Moore, Easton Corbin, Neil McCoy and Randy Houser. WE ARE PUMPED.

2012 is going to be our best yet. We have a lot of adjusting to do and a few sacrifices to get us both here but it is SO going to be worth it. I hate being away from Zack but I know I'm doing whats best for us being here to work and save money for when he is out. Some people can't understand our situation, but we do and we know it is perfect and only for a short time. We are so so so excited for all this year has for us! We wish you all the love, health and happiness in your 2012.

Wordless and wounded

As always, I am neglecting my blog. I am awful at keeping up for some reason. I guess being between 3 places doesn't help. I'm oh so sorry blogger dears.


People always say life is your story and each lesson is part of a chapter. This chapter has by far been the hardest in my life. Ive realized I have very few words to describe it all. Between the wounds of disappointment, loss and over all heartbreak it has taken a huge toll on me as a person. I began a class through Brave Girls Club a few weeks ago. It's really helped me to see myself in a whole new light. Its always a cliche addiction class saying that "admitting is the 1st step." And well here goes...I admit that I close off my feelings after a certain point and just move on even if the feelings are still there. My sweet friend used the analogy of sweeping hurts disappointments and mistakes under a rug and now my rugs covering a small mountain. It could be the smallest thing but if it bothers me I avoid dealing with it or discussing it all together. I always say "I'll probably live" or "its whatever" and move on. She called me out on that too because that discounts my true feelings. I am working on it. I guess this is the time for God to teach me to feel it all because it seems I'm a crying mess more often than not lately.

The last couple years not being able to have a child has been nothing short of heartbreaking. I have prayed and cried my heart and eyes out and to still be empty armed is almost unbearable. Its compounded seeing so many ungrateful, halfhearted parents. One very sad factoid...I would've been a mommy tonight had the adoption we prayed so hard for happened for us. We just knew she was our baby. I still pray for that baby girl. I know God has a great plan for that baby girl's life, no doubt about that, Just hurts a little. No, actually a lot. See I'm learning. In comparison to the pain others are dealing with it is truly nothing but it's real to me and with the loss my hearts already feeling its a lot to absorb tonight. On that note, keep my dear friends Jordan & Heather in your prayers as their son/my beautiful angel Godson went to be with Jesus 11/24/11. He is the most amazing, beautiful baby boy to touch my heart. He will always hold a piece of my heart with him in heaven. Preston Dean, I love you more than words can ever begin to express. I am SO grateful your mommy and daddy chose us to be your godparents. You have forever touched our lives. You, my precious angel boy are beautiful and the picture of peace and I can't wait to hold you again in heaven.

Preston & I 11/24/11

Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Reminder

I'm framing this for a daily reminder...

Yesterday, Today and Katie&Ben

Reading back through yesterdays post is pretty much a bunch of raw emotion. I hope you all, my dear blogger friends realize I am not sitting home crying in my ice cream, I am keeping it together for the most part. This is a time of prayer and soul searching for the next steps. I felt like posting a blog about this was the best way to get it out and continue to grow from this experience. My blog was created as a place to tell about our journey so our friends and family would be up to speed from 1500 miles away. Never fear! We always have each other and we have God's hand on our lives and we really are learning and growing along the way.

Today I was looking through some pictures and found these... They came from my pinterest and for those of you who don't know...Pinterest is amazing. I don't know what happened to mine but it is all wacked out and just can't log in anymore but here are some things I'd saved from mine I thought I'd share....

On another note this blog is one I follow of an amazing couple who has been through more than I can even imagine enduring and continuing their journey after a life changing accident. Katie & Ben have such an amazing love. Katie, although I dont know you personally you are a true picture of grace and strength and it is an honor to be part of the Army family with a woman like you. Keep enjoying your journey. I know God will truly bless you and Ben and I believe all of your hopes and dreams WILL be fulfilled. http://katieandbenupdates.blogspot.com/

Our Journey Continues.

So yet again I have been slacking. Here is an update....
I am back in Texas! I was in California for two months. It started out just going for a couple weeks to catch up at work and knock out some projects, but it quickly became much more. I had some health issues and my friend had her 4th baby girl and work very quickly became very hectic with project after project  just like old times. While being home the Dr. ruled I am healthy and that the beginning stages of IVF that I began in December are still haunting me & my hormones. I got to hold Addison Jane when she was merely hours old, which was a very bittersweet moment for me. An if you know me well, you know I have a love hate relationship with my job. I love so much of it but I hate that I get so consumed by it.

During this time in California I really was reminded more about my baby journey and the lack of progress in the last year of doctor visits and shots and blood work and the whole nine yards. I was having a very poor me day going to my Brianne's family's welcome to the world lunch for her new angel and that day something amazing happened. At lunch Brianne's lunch her aunt told me her assistant was looking to give her baby up for adoption. This was the most fantastic thing to ever happen to me. I haven't felt joy like that day in SO very long. I called Zack and we were officially over the moon. We continuously called the baby "she" and "her" and just news this was our baby. Over the course of the next few weeks I spoke to the birth mother and really felt like this was God's plan and it was put in my path for this to be our angel baby. I got to meet the birth mother on a Saturday morning and I really loved spending time with her! She is beautiful and wise and it was so many little God things it was amazing. She loves the Italian culture and that absolutely blew me away because our little girl name we have been set on for quite some time is Italian meaning God is gracious. Couldn't have been more amazing. Oh wait, I forgot to mention it's a girl. I saw her ultrasound picture and had to give it back and hold back the tears as I knew that was OUR baby girl I was seeing for the first time.

Following that meeting I felt like this was the perfect plan being laid out for us and we would have a little angel arriving in December. The week following I heard nothing from the birth mother, I kept telling myself this is part of the process and she just needed time to absorb it all and make her final decision as she was talking with two other families that already had children. I left on a business trip to Ogden and it was madness the entire time we were there working like crazy but I knew Saturday morning we had a little time and we could go to the farmers market in the downtown area. It was definitely the highlight to me to go walk around and buy some goodies etc. However, Saturday morning I woke up to a message from the birth mother telling me she had chose another family. This absolutely crushed me. I know that was never her intent however when you have your heart SO set on something it's hard to accept news like that. I know she had been praying continuously as had we (and all those around us) for this baby and her life to be full of grace and based on God's love and a loving family and a strong home. And clearly this has to be God's plan but it didn't make it any easier and didn't take away any pain. I had to put on a brave face and try to as they say in finding nemo "just keep swimming" but my heart was broken.

It has 24 days since I got that message and my heart still hurts. I continue down this journey and the longer we travel this road the more heart and soul we put in to it. I know God has a plan, and I know in the right time it will be revealed to me. It is just so hard to keep the faith and keep on going sometimes. I am so so grateful to Brianne's aunt for telling me about this mother and so so grateful to "C" the birth mother for considering us. This opportunity has been a mixture of so much hope, so much faith, so much prayer but coupled with disappointment. It is hard to balance it all.

"C" if you ever read this please know I am grateful for your consideration and prayers. You are a beautiful woman inside and out and I know God is going to do AMAZING things in your life. I pray that your baby girl is raised with God's love as her foundation and a family that loves her more than life itself. I pray both yours and your angels dreams all come true! Know I am continuing praying for you both and your futures.

I know this sounds like such a random thought after all of that but people, I can't stress it enough to  count your blessings. In my mind it is really all kinda relevant because it is so real to me how many people take their children for granted and put that out there publicly for the world to see. I keep getting on facebook seeing people complaining about their kids not letting them sleep, or not potty training or back to school stress. Those are all very valid things, but have you ever stopped thinking about all of that to be grateful for the blessings you have be given? They will eventually grow up and sleep, they will get out of diapers in no time and it will be a baby book story of how they went about it and the back to school stresses are all going to be worth it when they make it to high school and college graduations. They are only young for awhile. Take the time when they aren't sleeping to hold them tighter and thank God they were gifted to you.

That is an update on me/us. We have found one really bright spot in all of this that we always manage to make it through it all together. We have faced so much more than most do in 10 years in the last 4 years together. Looking forward to Friday and a two week leave in California filled with family, friends and FUN to celebrate our second anniversary! As rough as sometimes it may be, we are working on enjoying it all...count it ALL joy and enjoy your journey.

box full of LIFE...not the cereal

This wee has been exceptionally hard with no time off to breathe, very little sleep and some not so good news on hubs TBI. Yet yesterday I received THIS and it allllll turned around!



This box is the most pretty box I've ever received!




This box is the cutest thing ever. It has found it's home in my kitchen! I love love love it.



This journal is FULL of journal pages and inspirational sayings, quotes, scriptures...wow is all I can say.


































These are just a few pages of this amazing book of inspiration.

Sherry, you are such an amazing, beautiful, talented, gracious, woman that I am SO grateful to have in my life and call my friend! You are amazing! Thank you again for this journal! I love love love it! I think this is the perfect prescription for getting back to me and focusing within! Your the best! XoxoxoX

I couldn't resist sharing this with my sweet blogger friends and the box that turned this week/month/year/life around.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Cherish the journey...

So it is my philosophy to enjoy your journey each step, each hardship and pitfall is there to grow you and better you humble you and create character in YOU. I have had too many humbling experiences lately but at the end of the day I'm grateful for the life and blessings God has given me. The baby journey in my life has been consistently hard yet I still try daily to thank God for the journey and making me grow through this process. It has been harder than words can express but I am holding the faith that it IS GODS PLAN for us.

Raising a child is a journey. Each pregnancy, each birth and each child is different. I know the sickness during pregnancy, the sleepless nights during the feedings or teething times aren't fun, and I'm sure the peanut butter in drapes isn't a moms ideal day. However, have you ever wondered if you would EVER have a child. Hearing those complaints and seeing them on Facebook posts are enough to make me literally ill. It takes everything in me to not lose my mind on these friends of mine. Mark my words fellow "infertiles" I will NEVER complain about this when we have our little blessing in our life. I wonder everyday why I am going through this and what lesson God has for me in the end and I look forward to learning what HE has in store for me. What I do know that this journey has taught me to be thankful for what's in my life and thankful for the journey God has me on the good, the bad the journey is my own and has a destination that I'm eager to see!
Enjoy your journey no matter what it holds...count your blessings today.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

let the humble see....

So as you will see in my last post we have been through SO much in the last couple months. Actually since Aug 2008 we have really been through it. Airborne, not passing airborne because of shoulder injury, new post (ft hood), deployment orders, deployment, IEDs, wedding drama, wedding/R&R and hubs leaving, more IEDs, major medical issues(brain injury, shoulder injury, back pain, nightmares, insomnia, migraines, memory loss), return from deployment, readjusting and adapting to married life, moving from CA to TX, more medical issues, baby journey, surgery, IVF, missing home, my diagnosis of "unexplained infertility" coupled with endometriosis, along with SO many other things that have been road blocks or bumps in the road and well through all of that we have managed to come out stronger. 

HOWEVER the infertility/baby journey has weighed on my heart so much. I have just felt weighed down by the questions and fears and all of the above that weighs more on me everyday. (I am in NO WAY saying my husband isn't just as stressed and worried I can only speak for how I feel.) I have prayed, cried and cried, prayed some more. I have really been considering using a surrogate to give us our baby. I was so afraid to talk to the hubs about it because I didn't know how he would feel and for me its almost like admitting defeat that I cannot carry my child myself. It took me about 2 weeks of not mentioning it to anyone and soul searching if I could actually do that. It is really hard to be 24 and know there is a good chance you cannot have a child. Most days it feels like someone has stolen my joy. A few days ago I finally mentioned it to him and he loves it. He saw how hard IVF shots were on me and how it treated my body and although surrogacy requires most of the same shots it doesn't require the rest of the demand on my body and the other 60+ shots. I spoke to a woman yesterday about surrogacy and I feel like she lifted so much burden off my fears. I was so worried I wouldn't be able to be involved and she explained SO much and gave me a lot of info and resources to research more. If you know me at all you know I research everything so my spare time I have been reading reading reading. I feel like even if it isn't how we choose to go it has given me a new sense of HOPE. I had lost hope and became very fearful being but today I am being reminded a fear is the absence of faith. HE KNOWS. HE'S IN CONTROL. 

This was my devotion this morning...

The humble will see their God at work and be glad. Let all who seek God's help be encouraged. --Psalms 69:32

Everyday I have to remind myself this. It is an uphill battle but luckily my husband has some great combat experience and we are in this together. This scripture is going to be framed today and hung in our home to serve as a reminder of HIS work in our life and HIS plan. I hope no matter your burdens in your journey this reminds you HE IS AT WORK in your life. HE has a plan. Keep the faith and be encouraged and ENJOY YOUR JOURNEY!!!! 

Have a blessed day dolls. 

XO

Meg

I have been MIA a lot from my blog and I apologize to you, my sweet blog friends. I have been traveling a lot for business and had a lot happening here. We have been dealing with Z deploying, not deploying, deploying, who knows with the Army but as of this moment he is not deploying. He has too much going on with his medical issues from the previous deployment to go again so hopefully it stays this way. We are still trying to have a baby and figuring out how we are going to go about it. I don't know what direction to take. I pray daily but I still am unsure. I cannot put my body through IVF. I mentally and physically cannot handle it. Very recently I have really begun considering surrogacy. I just need to find the perfect person that is an family/friend/acquaintance of someone I know that I can trust their lifestyle is what I would want for my baby's growth period. I can't fathom a complete stranger growing my baby without me and to be brutally honest, I just picture scenes from the movie baby mama. ha don't judge me I can't help it! I know God has a plan I just wish He would share it with me soon. I can't express how much I want a child. I see so many people who act like they could care less about their kids and we'd give anything to care for them. Z gets out in less than a year now and it makes me so nervous. I know he will do great things he just does not have direction yet. I am praying for him to know what he wants and what will make him happy. It's hard to say where we will end up and what he will end up doing but we keep trudging through this crazy journey together. God will direct our path I know. I just wonder when we are going to get our break, get our child, get my husband's health back on track and know where Z/we are headed. This season of life is scary and so much uncertainty. I feel like it is all falling on my shoulders and boy is it getting heavy. Today I am praying for HIS direction, HIS guidance and HIS strength.

Military Spouse Friday Fill-In

1. What is one of the things you always do special when your husband returns from a deployment?
Luckily we only have had one deployment thus far and I am praying not another, but I took weeks to find the cutest outfit. My favorite part was make up for all the things he missed. I decorated our hotel room, set up "Christmas" a month late due to him being gone, and got some food and drinks for the hotel room so we could relax!

2. What do you do to help your spouse and/or yourself re-adjust after a deployment or long separation?
After deployment it is time to relearn each other, with us we had a very tough road as newly married people just beginning our married life after a year apart. I would say the number 1 thing is to include them in planning things and allow them to readjust. For those of you who haven't been through a deployment homecoming your mil spouse might not want to be in crowded places for awhile so plan to stay low key. It is a very transitional phase so enjoy down time and reconnect!! A year people change a lot and adding all they go through while deployed it really changes them so it is a time to relearn one another and get your relationship back on track. GIVE UP your Independence and strength that you must have during deployment and allow yourself to PARTNER with your mil spouse again. It is a key element to reconnecting.

3. Are you a crazy coupon clipper?
No, I would like to be! Any of you girls have any tips??

4. What's your most treasured memory of you and your spouse (not counting your wedding - that's a given)?
Christmas morning 2008 when he proposed. Just me and him and our own little Christmas in our cute little apartment with our little Liberty. It was special times just between us. We haven't got to share a Christmas like that since. 2009 he was deployed and 2010 we lived in TX so we went home to CA and shared with family but didn't get our time in our home. Looking forward to getting that again.


5. If you could live anywhere overseas, what would you pick and why?
 Germany, so I cold learn more about my family history or Europe, so I could travel the country side. Either work for me!

me x 100

This is long and has taken me weeks to actually finish because Im too ADD to sit and do it at once but here you go....

1. I don't usually like nick names but my husband and I both go by them.
2. I'm WAY too tender-hearted. I seriously cry at the most lame things.
3. I'm a huge animal person.
4. I want to build a home on a big piece of land in the next few years.
5. I love concerts.
6. During deployment, we probably sent 20,000+ instant messenger messages.
7. I love to go for a drive to unwind.
8. I love to read.
9. I'm addicted to my phones. I have two and love them equally.
10. I hate math yet my job is all numbers.
11. My most prized possession is my great-grandmothers china she gave us when we got married.
12. I love to take pictures, I have a fancy photog camera and a few lenses just for myself for fun.
13. I love Hawaii’s beaches and Utah’s mountains.
14. I love, love, love to cook and entertain.
15. I was very outgoing as a child and my brother was very shy, as adults we have kinda swapped. I am more introverted now and he is Mr. Social.
16. I have a lot of goals in life and things I want to do that have nothing to do with each other. (see 88)
17. I wonder/worry/pray daily if I will ever have kids.
18. Sometimes I regret not staying in college. Other days I am grateful.
19. I love fleur de lis. It is a trend right now so a lot of people do but I love them for their meaning. (French Meaning--Holy flower, symbol of the trinity, American Meaning-- sign of eternal hope)
20. I think I annoy Z with some of the questions I ask. They do come out of left field sometimes.
21. I love starbucks skinny vanilla lattes.

22. I have had 5 cars in 7 years.
23. I love my Goddaughter more than any words can express.
24. I love shoes too much! I have approximately 300 pairs.
25. I want to change our lifestyle and completely eat organically.
26. I hardly ever watch a whole movie at home without falling asleep.
27. I love mornings.
28. I am very insecure.
29. I love peppermints with the pink (cinnamon) center.
30. I am OCD and ADD.
31. I wish to be taller.
32. I aspire to know my husband’s nationality.
33. I love my dogs like they are my children.
34. I want to visit every state in the US.
35. I count down and plan everything.
36. I love to travel, yet hate to pack and unpack.
37. I love getting fun mail or “presents” from online shopping.
38. My most major surgery to date was for trying to have a baby.
39. I was 24 before I broke a bone...then I broke two.
40. Two of my all time favorite movies are Pretty Woman & Top Gun.
41. I was born and raised in California. It’s in my blood.
42. I love zebra print.
43. I love jewelry…I filled a jewelry armoire and its overflowing.
44. I love Mexican and Japanese food.
45. I LOVE to go fast, before I married Z I almost bought a street bike. (he isn’t a fan)
46. I love to sing in the car.
47. I'm afraid of any creature, bugs and spiders, snakes, especially FROGS!

48. I like to do laundry, hate to fold it and put it away.
49. I am a girly tomboy.
50. I love surprising people.
51. We planned our dream giant wedding, went through SO much during the 1^st half of deployment, hub had a change of heart threw out those plans and planned our PERFECT wedding day in four weeks.
52. I make organize or clean when I’m stressed or upset.
53. I want to learn more about different cultures and religions to understand people better (not at all for myself)
54. I love the stars. They remind me just how small I am but part of something bigger than I could ever fathom.
55. I love the ocean.
56. I’m trilingual…yes, 3 languages, English, American Sign and French. (Still want to know more)
57. I love to work. Sick I know.
58. Sometimes I think way too much into things.
59. I love to decorate.
60. I love Audrey Hepburn.
61. I want a ski boat.
62. I love wine.
63. I love to car shop and test drive cars.
64. I love my family more than words. By my I mean my blood family, my family by marriage and our Army family.
65. I used to only want 2 kids now I think I want more. Whatever God has in store for me.
66. I have never been camping.
67. I hate socks.
68. I love winter most out of the 4 seasons.
69. I will own a Bentley at some point.
70. I love rhinestones, and any kind of BLING.
71. I love Louis Vuitton.
72. I never have my umbrella when it's raining.
73. I love to make nothing into something. Like old door knobs, wine bottles, etc.
74. I did pageants and modeling years ago and still pose like it. Don’t hold it against me.
75. I am obsessed with quotes by former leaders, famous people and presidents.
76. I aspire to give my son 4 names total. (2 middle names)
77. I have one girl name picked out for when/if we have kids that is my favorite name EVER. Gianna -- Means God is Gracious (I will be so upset if one of my friends steals this, so please don’t)
78. I don’t believe in the media, news is off limits in our house.
79. I love music. Pretty much every kind! I have thousands upon thousands of songs.
80. I research EVERYTHING.
81. I Web MD everything the Mil Doc’s say about my husband and research every medicine he is on.
82. I shop a lot of places but expensive jeans are an ADDICTION. I hate to add up how much I’ve spent on just jeans. (My husbands the same way…dangerous)
83. I cant stand people to be mean to others or make fun of them especially those who are special needs.
84. Since I married Z, I get the chills at the National Anthem.
85. I have weird pet peeves, like the tv being on and no one watching makes me crazy!
86. I can’t stand for someone to make me feel stupid or inferior. It’s the one thing that makes me instantly fighting mad.
87. I have a learning disability.
88. I aspire to own restaurants and bakeries, open & fund law firm to help people get legal counsel they couldn't normally afford and help people with adoption, open a gourmet and organic food store, teach special education, design a clothing line, continue my dad’s business with my brother and keep it in our family, and most of all be a mom.
89. I love thunderstorms but only if I’m at home.
90. I love rainbows.
91. I have two tattoos. Not many people know that.
92. I aspire to get my pilots license and a plane.
93. I love to people watch.

94. I love holidays all but Halloween.
95. I save so many pointless things in hopes to do “something” with. (someday)
96. I want to have a large salt water tank with jellyfish in my home or office someday.
97. I love coffee
98. I am too trusting
99. I like to please others but now at 24 I can say I am me, take it or leave it.
100. I AM DONE!!!!

Military Spouse Friday Fill-In (2 days late)

1.How many pets do you have? And what type?

She was setting off the seatbelt thing in my car so she sat safely in a seatbelt.

This was Dukes first vet visit. He was so scared. He is such a good boy.

We have two dogs. English Bulldog, Lady Liberty Miller-Julien and a lab shephard mix, Sir Duke Julien. They are our babies.  They have been such a joy in our life. Liberty was my #1 while Zack was gone. She went to work most everyday for the 1st half of the deployment. Sometimes I would let her sleep in bed;) She is my baby. Duke we adopted from a shelter here in TX and he is such a sweet boy. Very hyper when you first play with him but he is calming down a lot. SO glad he is part of our family.


2.What are your favorite projects to do while hubby is away?  
Decorate or craft. I love love love to do both!!!!! He always comes home to something new done to our house.

3.What are/were the must-haves in your deployment care packages?
Target brand cookies were Z's favorite, cheese its (because he can eat a whole box in ONE sitting), beef jerky, deoderant, toothpaste, his fav body wash, face wash, shampoo, gatorade and lemonade powder for his water bottles, dvd's, flipflops and basketball shorts so he could cool off when he wasn't out on missions, the list goes on and on. I made him a birthday in a box(5boxes actually) that consisted of cakes in a jar, all different frosting flavors, sprinkles, plates, napkins, forks, cups, lemonade mix, a couple fun things to match his poker theme, and a poker set and some other birthday presents. He was probably embarrassed to have that many boxes but he felt the love and that's all that mattered to me.

4.If you could star in any TV show, which would it be?  
Army Wives so they get someone who has been through hell and back as an army wife's perspective. Love that show though. I cant help it.


5.What was the biggest hurdle that you faced during your/your significant other’s first deployment?
COMMUNICATION. It is a KEY element to all marriages but unfortunately when our spouses go through things they shut down certain emotions and different aspects of communication. Sometimes health issues can play into that and that is hard in and of itself but marriage is unconditional so you roll with the punches and learn to adapt and communicate differently. Who says Texting while you are in the same house is a bad thing? Sometimes our "woman emotions" are confusing to our husbands. DO whatever works for you. It is NOT an easy road during deployment but other than them being in danger I think their return is harder. Army I think has it worse in some respects simply because of the length of deployments (12months) but all branches experience the same things. That's why we have to stick together and stick by our husbands for whatever our journey brings us. 

We had an R&R wedding and we faced some adversity from a few angles of people not understanding why we were getting married so suddenly, and asking questions like what happens if he changes, and I tried to give a generic answer as best I could to protect my husband of not divulging what he had already endured and seen, because that's my job, but when all of those people talked their madness I stood for what WE believed was best and went forward. I told him if he came back with no legs and no arms I would still love him the same. I still stand by that. He was fortunate to come back visually unharmed but the brain injury and the shoulder surgeries and the nightmares are all life altering contributors to him and to me. We have faced more in the 1.5 years of marriage and 4years together than anyone I know. We still keep facing things but it is all part of our journey. God has a plan in our life as well as yours. No matter how hard it gets cling to your husband and cling to your God.

So lately...

I have just not been wanting to blog. In fact not really wanting to dig deep into my mind to talk about much in any fashion, electronic or otherwise. So "it's not you, it's me." Sorry to neglect you all.

To make a long drawn out whine session short; I have had a lot going on. Not too much positive to talk about at all lately. I think it all is scrambling my head and heart and well I'm over it. Between government shutdowns, tax drama, fair-weather friend, and birthday blues I just want to crawl into our big, comfy bed and sleep it off. If only........

I will be back to myself soon. Promise.

Day 30

DAY 30
A picture of someone you miss






My grandpa Allan. He is the best man ever! Miss him everyday but I know he's looking down on us. This picture is one of my most precious possessions. This was hanging in his office when he passed away I got to keep it. He is truly truly missed by everyone that knew him. Left quite a legacy.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Day 29

DAY 29
A picture that can always make you smile





Them wearing their onesies. They loved them an wore them to the store on Christmas day

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Day 28

DAY 28
A picture of something you're afraid of













Snakes, spiders and frogs. They creep me so much.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Day 27

DAY 27
A picture of yourself and a family member






















My aunt mandi. I call her nan. Pretty sure I started it an it stuck;) from the time I was a tiny girl I thought she was the most amazing person ever and I still do. She was my maid of honor when I married the love of my life and has continued to pray and support zack and I both since. She has been an inspiration and a safe place for me all my life. No one can take her place in my heart. I cannot imagine my life without her in it.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Day 26

DAY 26
A picture of something that means a lot to you





This is a piece of our china. It was a wedding gift from my nana Lena. So special because it was her china with my papa Roy. So amazing to have and I'm so grateful she gave it to me. Cannot wait to hand it down to my kids or grandkids someday! Amazing family heirlooms.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Day 25

DAY 25
A picture of your favorite day




Our 1st anniversary. I think it's my favorite because that day was the beginning of a new year in our life and a milestone in our marriage. We had been through SO much getting to the year felt amazing. We were finally on the other side. Happy times for the 2nd year!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Day 24

DAY 24
A picture of something you wish you could change





This country. The US of A. I wish our country would come together like after 9/11 and bleed red, white and blue an have leadership that believed in America and our military. I wish I could launch a reform of america. Maybe someday.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Day 23

DAY 23
A picture of your favorite book





I'm in the process of reading this and I love it. She is a really cool lady.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:King,Killeen,United States

Day 22

DAY 22
A picture of something you wish you were better at





Golf

I don't have a good reason for wanting to be good other than being competitive and having a great golfer husband.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Day 21

DAY 21

A picture of something you wish you could forget



For just a day or a weekend I wish I could forget about army stuff or deployments or any of that and relax with my husband like we used to. The army has a lot of good but also brings a lot of stress so it would be nice. In a year and couple months we will be free!!!!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Day 20

DAY 20
A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel

Tahiti




Or

Paris





And like a million other places but those two are my favorites at the moment.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Day 19

DAY 19
A picture and a letter

This isn't a letter but it has some cards with some letters inside from my sweet husband and some friends of mine. I cherish them. I hang them on the my bulletin board to remind me of the people I love. There is a few other random things too but you get the idea.







- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

My poor blog...

Has been feeling lonely. I was in California 3weeks and once I got back it's been crazy so I will catch you all up and catch up on my photo challenge. So half of them are still to come! Much lovee


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Day 18

DAY 18
A picture of your biggest insecurity



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Day 17

DAY 17
A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently

Things like these impacts my life almost all day, every day. Our journey to a family has changed me SO much. Both of us actually. It is extremely trying at times to wonder if we will ever get this opportunity. But we are holding the faith that God has a plan and WILL bless us with a child when the time is right.












- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Day 16

I'm a day late on this one. It's been a LONG few days!!

DAY 16

A picture of someone that inspires you

Audrey Hepburn
An iconic woman with an amazing outlook on life. Her words are real and true. I love love love her.












"For Attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
 
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
 
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
 
For beautiful hair, let a child run their fingers through it once a
day.

For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone."

-- Audrey Hepburn --





- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Day 15

DAY 15
A picture of something you want to do before you die




Skydiving.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Day 14

DAY 14
A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without

The first love of my life, my goddaughter, Carli Elizabeth Ash. Since the day she was born she has had my heart. She is silly, smart, loving, caring and the best goddaughter a person could have. She was the February student of the month at school and got the most caring award. She is the light of my life! I love her more than life itself. I can't imagine my life without her in it.









































- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone