People always say life is your story and each lesson is part of a chapter. This chapter has by far been the hardest in my life. Ive realized I have very few words to describe it all. Between the wounds of disappointment, loss and over all heartbreak it has taken a huge toll on me as a person. I began a class through Brave Girls Club a few weeks ago. It's really helped me to see myself in a whole new light. Its always a cliche addiction class saying that "admitting is the 1st step." And well here goes...I admit that I close off my feelings after a certain point and just move on even if the feelings are still there. My sweet friend used the analogy of sweeping hurts disappointments and mistakes under a rug and now my rugs covering a small mountain. It could be the smallest thing but if it bothers me I avoid dealing with it or discussing it all together. I always say "I'll probably live" or "its whatever" and move on. She called me out on that too because that discounts my true feelings. I am working on it. I guess this is the time for God to teach me to feel it all because it seems I'm a crying mess more often than not lately.
The last couple years not being able to have a child has been nothing short of heartbreaking. I have prayed and cried my heart and eyes out and to still be empty armed is almost unbearable. Its compounded seeing so many ungrateful, halfhearted parents. One very sad factoid...I would've been a mommy tonight had the adoption we prayed so hard for happened for us. We just knew she was our baby. I still pray for that baby girl. I know God has a great plan for that baby girl's life, no doubt about that, Just hurts a little. No, actually a lot. See I'm learning. In comparison to the pain others are dealing with it is truly nothing but it's real to me and with the loss my hearts already feeling its a lot to absorb tonight. On that note, keep my dear friends Jordan & Heather in your prayers as their son/my beautiful angel Godson went to be with Jesus 11/24/11. He is the most amazing, beautiful baby boy to touch my heart. He will always hold a piece of my heart with him in heaven. Preston Dean, I love you more than words can ever begin to express. I am SO grateful your mommy and daddy chose us to be your godparents. You have forever touched our lives. You, my precious angel boy are beautiful and the picture of peace and I can't wait to hold you again in heaven.
Preston & I 11/24/11
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