I need...

I've neglected my blog for almost a year now. I created my blog to keep our giant family in the loop on our lives in Texas. Although, I think I saw friends more when I lived there because I planned more on trips home. My life now is all consumed with keeping our home intact and my job. We had quite the adventure in Texas though. We got to see and do some really fun things and make some really great friends. While we were there Texas grew our marriage a lot. We've been through more in 3 years of marriage than most endure in years with Zack's medical issues from deployment, infertility, family issues, friends dying/moving/deploying, finally getting pregnant then losing our baby, and the million twists and turns along the way. It's been a really tough road. Somedays I look back and wonder how we've both made it through without completely breaking down.

I'd say for me losing the baby was/is the worse. The time searching for a heartbeat that's not there was the longest few minutes of my life. Seeing and hearing friends complain about their pregnancy/kids is almost too much for me to handle. I'd give anything to have stretch marks everywhere, have mood swings, have swollen feet, a sleepless baby to rock or a kid with "terrible twos". But no, my baby died. I don't get to experience that. This is a constant pain in my heart. I can't explain the intensity. I just want people to understand me and understand where I'm coming from but it's hard to even express in words how I feel. So here's my attempt...

I need your patience and understanding on milestone days.

I need to allow myself heal and stop forcing work to be my escape. I'm stifling my feelings, I'm slowly getting worse and worse at holding it in.

I need to stay busy and a time to be still.

I need an extra hug and respect for my space.

I need someone to ask how I'm doing and actually want to hear the answer.

I need careful announcements of pregnancies, baby showers and births as mine I longed for so long for didn't turn out as I'd hoped.

As tough as I try to be, I need a fragile sticker for my heart as I'm still so very broken.

I need forgiveness for not being the wife, daughter, sister, niece or friend I used to be.

More than anything I need you, my friends &family. I need support, understanding and love as a lifetime is too long to wait to hold my angel. My life will never be the same.

At the end of the day just enjoy where your at. It might be trying for you, but those in your life might be longing for the thing your complaining about. Stop and count your blessings. I'm trying to everyday enjoy the blessings in my life and pray I'm given another shot at being a mom.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone